Friday, February 15, 2013

Oh Valentines Day... We Meet Again!

Yesterday was Valentines Day, the day when we all buy way to many flowers, chocolate, and candy in an effort to show people how much we love them. If you are in a relationship the pressure is on to make the day romantic, this is where so many boyfriends/husbands get themselves into trouble. If you are single you end up dreading the day, it's just another day where you are reminded that you aren't in a relationship. Yay! But this year was very different for me.

Five years ago I ended a relationship that was beyond unhealthy! It probably should have been ended years before. I spent most of the time being hurt and not seeing that I deserve to be treated better. Over the last couple of years I have talked to a couple of guys and gone out a couple of dates, nothing has really stuck. At times this was beyond frustrating. I mean come on, I may not be the skinniest girl out there, or the hottest, and my friends have referred to me as an acquired taste, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth someones time. Does it?

Many times I have looked at Valentines Day as a reminder that someone hasn't chosen to be with me. Unlike the last couple of years this year I wasn't at home on my couch, with a bottle of wine, the chocolates from my mom, watching sappy movies by myself. I did spend my night as the token single friend babysitter for Andrea and Adam, but it was nice spending it with Austin and Avery. This did prove to me how happy I am with there I am in my life. It hasn't been until the last year that I have really gotten to this point, and it has taken a lot for me to get here. Thanks to some amazing friends and family, who have walked this last year with me, I have found a new confidence that I didn't know was there. When I started to stumble and started to doubt myself they are the first ones there to remind me of Gods love, and the plan that he has for me. More than anything this has been the greatest source of comfort to me.

So what is Valentines Day really about? Does it have to only be between a man and a woman in a relationship? Or can it be celebrated between a parent and a child? Best friends? I say yes! Yes it is about a couple, but it is also a day to show those special people in your life how much you really do care about them. Whether that is a parent, a child, a best friend, or a niece and nephew. But should we really wait for this one day of the year to show people we care for them? Don't you think that we should be doing it all year around? Again I say yes. It's nice to be reminded through out the year in small ways that you matter to someone. I don't think it has to be on just this one day. Maybe we all should think about this and decided to show those that we care about they matter to us all year around.

I'd like to take this moment and thank everyone who has walked with me, all my friends and family. I can't name you all by name because I'm very fortunate to have some many of you! You all mean the world to me and I wish that I could repay you for everything you have done. Because of you I am who I am, and where I am now.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Amazingness and Sadness All Rolled Into One

I have spent much of today debating if I should write this blog or not, and if I do should I post it. When I am trying to process something I write about it, it helps me to process the feeling I am having. This weekend was spent at a relationship retreat put on by my church, we had group session, as well as two single breaks out session and one for women. To say that I benefited from this weekend would be an understatement! I really feel like in a way it changed my life and changed how I'm going to live it day to day. The real treat was getting to listen to Randy Storm speak not once by three times! So back to why I wasn't sure if I should write this blog or not... I knew today I wanted to write about my experiences but in light of the death of both Randy and Suzy Storm I was unsure if I should do so. Would it be the proper thing to do? Would it make light of the events? I don't want to offend those who had a close relationship with them and are grieving at this time. After some soul searching I decided the message I learned this weekend was to valuable to not share.

To anyone that knows me, knows that my heart has a desire to be married and to have kids. My past relationships haven't been the best to say the least. I was left with a lot of baggage, a couple trust issues, several scars and I have been unsure on how I will be able to move on one day into a healthy relationship. Through this weekend I came to realize that everyone has baggage and no matter what God still loves us because we are his. We are chosen, holy and beloved in God's eyes.

The most influential of sessions had to be the ones that I spent listening to Randy speak. While both Casey and Chad did an amazing job on their session, I really identified with what Randy was speaking to us about. As someone who is single I often question how I will know when I will be ready for marriage. How will I know when I have met the person God has intended me to spend the rest of my life with? There were a couple things Randy said that have stuck with me and I wanted to share them. The first was "You are ready for marriage when you are content with being single and know what you wont settle less for." This is always something I think I always knew deep in my heart. I knew that I would have to be ok with being single and had to love myself for who I was before someone else would be able to love me. For some reason this just spoke to my heart this weekend. It just seemed to click. I have no idea if this was Gods way of speaking to me through the words of Randy, if for some reason I was finally ready to hear it or if it was a combination of both. All I know is that for the rest of my single days this is something I will continue to work towards and I will try and live my life by. Which obviously is going to be WAY harder said than done.

He went on to tell us that when we decide who we are going to marry to pick someone who we want to run Gods race with. After listening to his story and that of his wife's, Suzy, I have a lot of hope for the future. With out going into to much detail about their stories I realized that I don't have to be perfect for God to work within me or to put the person into my life that I am suppose to spend my days with. He will do this when he is ready. I just have to spend however long this waiting period is working on my heart and my relationship with God so that when it does happen I will be ready.

While I didn't have a personal relationship with either Randy or Suzy they touched my life in a way I never expected going into this weekend. I sat listening to Randy talk to the entire group on Saturday night thinking I can not wait to go through premarital counseling with him. He is going to find a way to get out of me stuff that I didn't even know was there and it's going to be amazing!!! Unfortunately, I won't be able to have that happen, but I do feel lucky to have spent a little time this weekend listening to both of them speak. My life will forever be changed by the retreat this weekend, thanks in large part to Randy and Suzy Storm. As I write this my heart is breaking for all those that I know who had close relationships with them, for those he was counseling, those he had married, and those who will never get a chance to know either of them. Like many I know, I'm taking comfort in the fact that they are with The Lord, together and that Randy can now walk. Their legacy will live on through those who have been touched by them. I hope I am able to pass along the wisdom they gave me this weekend and that it will help someone else with the struggles they might be going through.

Thank you to them both, even though I won't get a chance to tell you this, you have changed my life in a way I didn't know was possible. I look forward to seeing you again one day and getting a chance to have a personal relationship with you both!!!